Australia captain takes the pressure off his side ahead of all-important second Test.
Who said cricket players did not have a sense of humor?
In the wake of former Australian coach Mickey Arthur announcing he will be suing Cricket Australia racial discrimination and unfair dismissal, Clarke attempted to lift the mood in the camp.
Speaking to a function at the Australian High Commission in London to celebrate the Ashes series moving to the England capital, Clarke gave the gathering an impromptu and revealing insight into the players under his command.
The tongue-in-cheek comments were sprinkled with in-jokes and school-boy humor, but it went over well with the largely ex-pat audience.
Even the English contingent in attendance realised what Clark was attempting to do in the wake of Arthur revealing Clarke had allegedly called Shane Watson a “cancer” on the team.
However, none of that animosity was on display as Clarke served up a healthy dose of parody.
What Clarke said of his teammates:
Brad Haddin – Haddin did not attend the function but the first to be presented by Clarke who made apologies on his behalf since “he is still hung over from the other night drowning his sorrows from losing the first test match”. He described him as a proud red head known as the “chairman of the team’s finance committee” since he loved taking money “out of all of our pockets”.
Chris Rogers – “Chris is our team nerd, he enjoys long walks on the beach, coffee movies and dancing (pause) – on his own.”
Shane Watson – “We call Shane Mr Guitar Hero because everytime you are walking down the corridors of your room he’s always on his guitar. One thing you don’t know about Shane is one day he is a cricketer but tomorrow he could be in The Rolling Stones.”
Ed Cowan – “Mr Eduardo Cowan is certainly one of a kind to say the least, he enjoys picnics in the park (pause) with his male friends.”
Steven Smith – “Steven is obviously one of the good looking roosters in our team.”
Peter Siddle – “He is the Vegan of our team whose favorite meal – is soft-shell crab … no this is my time (Clarke says as microphone wrestled away) – Siddle explains the soft shell reference was after he ordered a mushroom sushi roll and took a bite to find it was crab.”
Mitchell Starc – “Big tall left armer Mitchell Starc, strong young lad his girlfriend Alyssa Healy who we like to call his wife, who is an Australian wicketkeeper and we all believe Mitchell learned his left-arm in-swinger from Alyssa in the backyard at home.”
James Pattinson – “If James could take one thing to a deserted island he would definitely take his mirror.”
Ryan Harris – “Ryan is the scaredy cat of our team, big strong fast bowler who is petrified of heights.”
Jackson Bird – “There’s already been a song about Jackson and it goes (sings) bird, bird, bird is the word. Jackson Bird has a foot phobia”
James Faulkner – “We call James Mr Hussey Junior and the reason is he loves getting not out when he bats and his favourite colour is also red.”
Nathan Lyon – “He is in love with Brad Haddin and was a state netballer in school.”
Matthew Wade, David Warner (not present), Philip Hughes, Usman Khawaja – “They are called team One Direction.”
Ashton Agar – “And our last player, what can I say about him, the man of the hour Ashton Agar is great at everything and if any of you have some spare time tonight he will be more than happy to tell you about it.”
He then called Darren “love-a-beer” Lehmann, to take the stage, with or without beer in hand.